This may seem like a silly topic, but rest assured the issue is of the most absolute seriousness. How does Captain Picard relieve himself aboard the Enterprise?

There simply must be an answer. Here are some possibilities we discussed:

1. Specialized machines
   Crew members relieve themselves in the corner of the room, and a machine cleans up the mess.

   I see no reason to believe they do not have highly sophisticated nanotechnology for this purpose.

2. Data
   A possibilities which I consider, as Spock would say, to be "highly illogical," is that Data might have the capacity to transform his humanoid form into a Positronic potty.

   Buttcracker insists this must be the answer, though personally I find his suggestion distasteful and an insult to Mr. Data.

3. Set phasers on "flush"
   Phasers could be used to disintegrate waste before it even hits the floor.

   Of course not all crew members have phasers, so this wouldn't work for everyone. Plus I strongly suspect this would set off the ship's phaser sensors.

4. Teleportation
   But my favorite idea is the use of the transporter room as a bathroom.

   Human waste could be beamed aboard enemy ships as a type of biological weapon. "Assimilate this, you Borg bastards!"

There you go. In the unlikely event that we missed any potential potties, please post a comment.