I answered these questions during August of 2004.

If you want to e-mail me go here.

August 09, 2004
Dear Peeves,

What are the statutory rape laws in Vermont? If a girl under 16 fucks an 18 year old? Cuz the sex is good and I don’t want my fuckbuddy to go to prison. Help me?

- MegMeg

MegMeg --

He won’t go to jail if nobody squeals. So don’t tell your parents, teachers, or cops that you’re having sex. It’s none of their goddamn business anyway.

- Peeves

August 09, 2004
Dear Peeves,

where do you live? i was just wondering because i wanna kick the shit out of you. you sit in front of your computer all day responding to dumb emails and thinking you are so cool. get a life! you couldn’t win a battle against a rat. loser.

- EricTheGreat

EricTheGreat --

I can’t tell you where I live. It’s a liability issue. There’s a chance you’d be dumb enough to come down to my place and leave with cracks in bones you didn’t even know you had.

- Peeves

August 11, 2004
Dear Peeves,

I am friends with a girl who goes to high school and im only in the sixth grade. i am beginning to think shes too cool and old for a girl like me and i need some of the best advice i can get. Also i im nervous about going to middle school. Can you help me?

- Black Rain

Black Rain --

Nobody can help you, I’m afraid. You’re just having normal sexual urges, and you’re entering middle school -- which will inevitably be the worst period of your life (not that your parents would tell you this, but it’s true.) Have fun. Sucker.

- Peeves

August 11, 2004
Dear Peeves,

I am slightly underage and I feel the need to have a girlfriend but I am still too young. What should I do?

- Puboy

Puboy --

Too young? What are you, five? And under WHAT age? If you’re going to ask a question, you have to be specific. Quit wasting my time with your incoherency, dullard, or I’ll waste your time by forcing you to use a wheelchair due to your broken legs.

- Peeves

August 12, 2004
Dear Peeves,

I have a masturbating problem. I can’t stop. I need it, it’s like breathing I always have to be doing it. Sometimes I don’t even notice I’m doing it because it is like a regular activity for my everyday life. I need some help, is there anything I can do to stop? Please Peevie! Help me!

- Do me

Do me --

Why do you want to stop, anyway? It’s not like drinking or smoking or anything. I think your real problem is your fucked-up morality. Get a clue, moron.

- Peeves

August 12, 2004
Dear Peeves,

I just want to know if Tijuana is part of United States? that’s are debate for one of ours classes and many believe it is part of the United States! My answer is no is not.

- esther

Esther --

Well why the hell are you asking me? I mean, you’re in school, are you not? Would it really be too tough too look shit like that up? And besides, how is this question related to advice, anyway? Get lost, you little brat.

- Peeves

August 13, 2004
Dear Peeves,

What the hell drove you to be such a dick to everyone. I believe that you are the psycho who is retarded and can’t spell worth a shit. I imagine you are either a virgin or you are gay and you always do "stuff" when you hear from a guy. So get off your lazy ass and do something for once.

- Josh

Josh --

You have quite the belief system and imagination there. I’m sure you get off by thinking about me jerking off to gay porn, but you really didn’t need to tell me about it. Next time, please keep your thoughts to yourself or I’ll have to see if my fist can enter your brain at high speeds through your face.

- Peeves

August 13, 2004
Dear Peeves,

You have been very bad! You have insulted me, my followers, and my church. You can repent now, or go to hell.

- God

God --

Say hello to Jesus, the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Cat in the Hat and any other imaginary characters you live with in fairyland for me. Do that instead of wasting my time with stupid shit like this in the future, okay?

- Peeves

August 16, 2004
Dear Peeves,

hey peeves, u can shove ur foot up ur ass and i will come down there and make sure it happens. what do u got to say fo that u jackass.

and i like the way i spell so u can shove that up ur ass to.

- Old Chap

Old Chap --

Huh? Did someone say something?

Oh yeah... they said some retard-speak gibberish. Nothing to see here. Next question, please.

- Peeves

August 16, 2004
Dear Peeves,

i have a serious problem; i work in a super market to support my wallet, anyways we have this katholic dude who’s nearly stupid enough to think he’s jesus so me and my friend sayd to him that half of the store workers are Moormons, now he’s doeing al sort of religieus stuff in the market like putting mice in the freezer, saying anti moormon speeches and one time he tried to kick one of the so called moormon’s of a ten foot ladder. should we whoop his ass if he pulls one more trick like this out?

- superduper

superduper --

Judging by your spelling, I take it you were the one who fell off the ten foot ladder? There are so many things you could do to this fundamentalist... but I don’t think you have the brainpower to pull any of them off. So I won’t waste your time. Get bent, dumbass.

- Peeves