I answered these questions during February of 2002.

If you want to e-mail me go here.

February 01, 2002
Dear Peeves,

I've been dating this guy and I think I'm in love. The problem is that he sometimes hits me.
Should I stay with him? I'm only 14 and I know he doesn't mean it because he always apologizes. I know it's my fault because I do tend to provoke him, like if he wants sex and i don't want to. By the way I'm still a virgin. He'll hit me, or if he gets too high he may hit me, but I know it's my fault. I guess this was a stupid question and the answer is to stay with my man so later.

- in love

in love --

People who are stupid enough to take crap like that from other people and stay with them really do deserve to be brutally beaten every day of their goddamn lives. Good choice, moron.

- Peeves

February 01, 2002
Dear Peeves,

Peeves, I'm not popular at all. How can I be popular?

- Just some one

Just some one --

First, go out and buy expensive clothes at the mall. It doesn't matter if you look good in them, as long as you first make sure that everyone on popular TV shows wears similar clothes. Next, talk to anyone who's dressed like you, and be sure to use every catch phrase that people on TV use. Hit on girls who look like they'd be in fashion magazines, or girls that act like they'd be in fashion magazines but are hideously ugly. Be sure to hang out with as many "popular" people as you can, because quantity is more important than quality to you.

Most importantly, make sure you're very shallow. If you have to express any real feelings, make sure you refer to how "deep" that feeling is while expressing it.

If you follow my directions carefully, you will be popular, and I will beat the living crap out of you if I ever see you.

- Peeves

February 04, 2002
Dear Peeves,

Remember me? Well I'm here once more to ask for you o-so good advice. See I have this fear of . . refrigerators. And well they scare me, obviously. I can tell you one thing; when I'm home alone it's hard to get a bite. What advice can you give me to overcome this fridge-phobia?

- Little Crying Boi

Little Crying Boi --

You're afraid of refrigerators? Maybe if I locked you inside one for half an hour you'd understand that it's not refrigerators you should be afraid of, it's me.

- Peeves

February 04, 2002
Dear Peeves,

I go to an all girl catholic school, and I often catch older men looking at me when I am wearing my uniform. I wonder if they are thinking about sending their daughters to my school or if they have some sort of weird fantasy? Should I take these puzzling stares as compliments or should I be worried? And by the way, plaid skirts always attract more men than usual. Is that a thing men have or a coincidence?

- Catholic School Girl

Catholic School Girl --

Many straight guys have a thing about lesbians -- they like the idea that two girls would kiss. When they see girls who go to an all girl school, they know right away that you're a lesbian, and they'll start imagining what you girls do to one another when the teachers aren't around.

The plaid skirt thing is beyond me. Maybe you just attract weird Scottish men.

- Peeves

February 04, 2002
Dear Peeves,

My stupid English teacher keeps on telling us about "I before E except after C" which I think is completely retarded as their are many words for which this rule does not apply. One of which was used in this question. (hint: their) What do you think?

- me

me --

Your English teacher is incorrect, as that's not the entirety of the rule. Here is the version of the rule for U.S. English:

Use I before E

Except after C

Or when sounded as "I"

Or "A" as in Einstein and weigh

Neither, weird, foreign, leisure

Seize, forfeit, and height

Are the common exceptions spelled right

But don't let the C-I-E-N words get you uptight!

Now tell your damn English teacher the entire rule, and kick his ass if he/she doesn't teach it. Got that? Oh, and in case you're too stupid to figure it out, "cien" words include efficient, science, etc.

- Peeves

February 06, 2002
Dear Peeves,

My co-worker received a call from a collector yesterday regarding a phone bill of $1,500 she failed to pay 3 years ago. My question is the following: Does the fact that she has a delinquent account give the collector the right to call her at work and harass her demanding for her to come into his office and pay $2,500 in a day's notice. If she does not comply he said they will take legal action and take her assets and freeze her paychecks. I just want to know what rights she still has at this point?

- Alba R.

Alba R. --

Do you really think they have the right to do that? Especially considering she just made some phone calls, which don't cost the phone company anything. Those bastards probably spend more money on collecting bills than on their services.

Screw rights, this isn't a legal issue. Last time the phone company tried to collect money from me, they sent this tough looking guy to my front door with a professional wooden baseball bat. After kicking his hand, I grabbed the bat and used it to shatter his shins. Then I kicked him in the balls. Come to think of it, that might have been the cable company... no, wait, it was definitely the phone company. The cable company quit serving my area after they tried to get me to pay. Morons.

I no longer pay for phone service. I recommend that your stupid friend try a similar approach, although I think an aluminum bat might have gotten the point across better.

- Peeves

February 06, 2002
Dear Peeves,

Recently it has come to my attention that I am rather up myself. The people I am made to converse with during school hours are so lower class. They think I am a snob. I know full well that it is just coz they are jealous as I am one funky fly girl. I get sooo many offers from many hot guys. All the hotties say I'm on the top of their shag list. What can i do to make these people see sense and realize my true beauty?

- Anna S

Anna S --

Maybe you should try mooning people to demonstrate the true beauty of your ass. I, for one, would not hesitate to leave a large boot print on your bottom, given an opportunity such as this.

- Peeves

February 13, 2002
Dear Peeves,

Today I was stopped by some righteous people -- it was uncomfortable. Can you kill all those damn Jehovahs?

- pissed

pissed --

No, those low-lifes are basically the same as ants. You can't stop them through normal methods such as killing them. I think we need to send 'em all to some other planet, along with Hare Krishnas and whatever else so they can just sit around spewing marketing BS at one another all damn day.

- Peeves

February 13, 2002
Dear Peeves,

Online, you're not allowed to curse. I'm 11 and I just learned about you from you're desperately sad commercial and I visited you. Something I will regret. Why do you curse ALL the time?

- Just another person

Just another person --

So you're telling me that I'm not allowed to curse, then telling me that I do so frequently. If I wasn't allowed to, then why the hell would I be doing it?

Also, who or what is this mysterious force preventing me from cursing online? You're stupid even considering your age.

- Peeves

February 13, 2002
Dear Peeves,

Why is everyone so obsessed with gays?

- a gay

a gay --

What do you mean by "everyone"? Only closeted homosexuals are obsessed with gays. Everyone else is either aware that homosexuality is a sexual preference or is some thick-headed redneck ready to condemn anyone in sight because he's too stupid to do anything else.

Note that mental aptitude is the only factor I consider when choosing whether to condemn someone.

- Peeves