Wow, have I got some stupid crap for you this time. Read on.

As always ask me if you need my advice -- and I'm sure you do. Don't be a wuss.

Dear Peeves,

I have a major problem, I woke up and found out that my left leg was gone. I saw that i was in the hospital and that I was in major need of some surgery. They said I got it from this website... what should I do?

-- Lauren

Lauren --

It wasn't my fault you goddamn whiner. Shut up NOW or the other one comes off.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I want to know how you can make me a better kisser and how to find myself a boyfriend.

-- Mikey

Mikey --

I can't. It doesn't matter what I say because it's your problem. Deal with it bitch.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

What should I do? I cheated on this girl the first time I went out then she found out and she dumped me and then I went out with her again and gay roomers happened again. Then I went out with her again and she dumped me cuz she thought i was cheating on her wen i wasnt and she is the hottest girl Ive ever seen and the slutiest and now shes writing love letters to me and wanting me back and I did her bad too but should I go out with her again because I still have feelings for her?

-- Hockeyzone

Hockeyzone --

Oh, so you're a liar and a drama whore? There's no way any of this ever happened. Let me point out the following, which anyone with half a brain would realize anyway:

1. Cheating after one date.
   You've never been on a date because this makes no sense. You can't cheat on someone you're not in a relationship with, I can't even begin to imagine what a retard you are to have thought it's possible to "cheat" on a girl you barely even know.

2. She wants you back.
   Even if the rest of your letter is true (it's not) there's just NO way this girl would want a dullard like you back. She broke up with you because she knew better. Short of massive brainwashing I don't see what would change her mind on this issue. And you're too damn stupid to brainwash someone.

Look jerkass, girls aren't stupid -- they know when you're lying. There's no way a liar like you could EVER find a girl unless she's drooling and missing an eye.

I can't believe you sent me this shit. Get the hell out of here and quit sending me lies before I introduce your crotch to my steel-toed boots.

-- Peeves

Fine, send me your stupid question. Dullard.