I get these damn questions all the time. "How do I make a girl like me?" You want me to tell you how, idiot?

Fine.

But you're a dullard for asking.

Hey Peeves,

I really need some help. I know you enjoy being an asshole to a lot of people and I respect that. Don't think I'm being a fucking suck-up because I'm not My real age is twelve and I want to know how to get girls to like me so PLEASE help!
-- Nolan

Sup Peaves,

I was wonderin about this girl. Well she likes me but does not like to admit it wat should I do?

-- Brent

Dear Peeves,

Plz I dont want to sound desperate butt theres this one girl I like how do I make a girl like me? How do I impress a girl? I really want her to like me!

-- RJ

All you loser kids --

Can't you stupid kids stop and think about what you're asking me? You want to "make a girl" do something. That's sick. You're a freak for even thinking about that.

You want to make a girl like you. But I can't tell you how to do that.

Why? First of all, because it doesn't work that way. And secondly, because if you do work up the nerve to ask a girl out...

This is what will happen.

You walk up to the girl you've been nervously staring at for over a month.

"He-hey" you say to her as your voice cracks, immediately revealing what a little bratty turd you are.

She says "hey" back to you but looks confused, probably because she has no idea who the hell you are. Or worse -- she knows you as that creep who always stares at her.

"Do you want to go out with me?" you blurt out. The zit on your nose pops. She sees the pus leaking out, screams, and runs away.

For the next month your crush and her equally obnoxious gossiping friends giggle every time they see you.

Even in the unlikely event she's interested in you she'll soon come to her senses because

1. you continuously bore her to death,

2. you have no money,
3. thanks to your raging hormones you smell like a stack of dead homeless people.

Take it from me, kids -- you're too young for these things. You have stupid ideas about life, you're incredibly boring, and you're trying so goddamn hard to get a girl you don't realize they'd never want to talk to you.

So shut up. Forget it. You can't make a girl like you and you can't make a girl notice you, so quit wasting your time.

Grow the hell up. If you really luck out you won't be an ignorant little moron for the rest of your pathetic life. You dimwit.

-- Peeves

See also: Peeves on relationship issues
Girls hate liars
Getting a girl to like you
Damn wussy girls

Have a question that isn't completely stupid? Send it to me.