I answered these questions during June of 2001.

If you want to e-mail me go here.

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Where's Altavista located?

- Tom

Tom --

Altavista? Hell if I know -- and when I do know, I'll see you there, dickweed.

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Where can I swim with the dolphins near kona, hawaii?

- kathryn

Kathryn --

When I decided to write an advice column, I never thought I'd be answering questions as stupid as these. If you think that just because I'm a published internet author I'll look crap like this up for you, you're dead wrong.

On the other hand, I'm not one to stop mentally challenged thinkers like yourself from "swimming with the fishes," so to speak. I think I'll help you with that if you continue to waste my time with your insipid questions.

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

In the world of motherboards, where does a ECS Advanced P6vpa2 motherboard sit in terms of quality and reliability?

- Russ Coad

Russ --

I don't know what you're talking about, but what I do know is that I'm going to SIT ON YOUR FACE so you can determine the quality and reliability of my ass. Okay? Now SHUT THE HELL UP.

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

who let the dogs out

- riceskyhill

Rice --

I'm guessing they escaped while that last guy was yammering his stupid tech-wennie blabber. Damn tech-wennies. Damn dogs. And DAMN YOU TOO!

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

What is it that makes the ocean appear the color blue in different shades?

- Lisa

Lisa --

I have no goddamn idea, but what I do know is that if you eat enough blue Jell-O, your crap tends to come out in different shades of blue. The toilet bowl will look kinda like you used one of those 2000 Flushes things or whatever, but it stinks a lot worse. It's cheaper, though, and it's a great way to scare those annoying kids away.

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

What color is blood inside the human body?

- Lisa

Lisa --

Jeez, what is it with these stupid questions? You'd think these people were all the same person. Wait a minute... these last two questions were from the same person. Lisa, if you want me to show you the color of blood inside the human body, I can help you find out. First, get a big damn knife. Now, find a sensitive area of your body (i.e. your chest) and make a big damn cut. See that oozing stuff? That's blood. I'd tell you what color it is, but you should find out for yourself, okay? Now DO IT.

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

what is the largest (most practiced) religion in the world?

thanks peeves!

- belle

Belle --

It's probably not one of those cool religions that involves people making human sacrifices and stabbing dolls. Those are the ONLY worthwhile religions, as far as I'm concerned -- even if they don't work, they're a great way to take out your aggressions. I tried to start one of these religious, but it didn't go over to well around here. Goddamn this intolerant society.

You're welcome. Wait, no, on second thought, you're really not welcome.

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

are you gay

- bob

Bob --

Gee, Bob, I wonder why you ask that? Honestly I'm too pissed off to think about sex AT ALL so the question is moot. My veins are bursting just from reading these retarded questions from idiot READERS LIKE YOU.

- Peeves

June 30, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Is there a place on the internet to list land (a residential building lot)for sale? I'm looking to place an ad directly...not thru a realtor. Is there any such website?

- sherry

Sherry --

Look, if this internet thing is big enough for... uhh... "people" (I'm using that word loosely) like you, it's certainly big enough for a steaming pile of crap like that.

- Peeves