I answered these questions during May of 2001.

If you want to e-mail me go here.

May 31, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Why do butlers have such big feet?

- Stan

Stan --

I don't know, but THE NeTworK tells me that they just ripped that image off some other stupid website. Wait, are you trying to make some smart-ass remark? Well, you failed!

- Peeves

May 31, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Why are some people gay?

- Mike

Mike --

Good question.... uh... because they are? That's like asking, "Why do some people like the color orange?" or "Why do butlers have big feet?" Maybe you and the guy who asked that last moronic question should "get together" and figure it out yourselves.

Not that I'm making fun of gay people. Goddamn, I can't stand that BS. You shouldn't hate people because of the way they are -- you should hate them because THEY'RE ALL A BUNCH OF STUPID MORONS. Like you, Mike.

- Peeves

May 31, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Why do you look exactly like Jeeves, but your frowning and your eyebrows are meaner looking? Is he your twin brother, or is it just a coincidence?

- James Pereira

James --

Goddamn you people. Not only do you have the grammar of a two year-old, but you don't have anything better to think about than that stupid drawing!

If I had my way, people with as much free time and as little intelligence as you would be doing my laundry and making me sandwiches.

- Peeves

May 31, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Why are you bloody Americans always so po'ed anyway? Do what us English do...sit back and down a beer!

- Matthew

Matthew --

British people? Relaxed?! Excuse me, I can't stop laughing!

.

.

.

Okay, okay. Phew. That was a good one. Actually, I thought about the beer thing the other day. I was totally pissed, so I thought I'd go to the liquor store down the street for a cold one. I put my coat on, and walked outside my house. I turned around to close the door, but the damn handle snapped off! I couldn't just leave my house unprotected, or those stupid punks next door would come in and steal my VCR or something. So I went back inside and barricaded the door with some furniture. I left through the back door.

Well when I got home with a beer, I realized that I'd left my keys inside. Damn! So I was locked out with nothing but a beer. I couldn't just drink it straight out of the can, 'cause who knows what kind of poison that shady liquor dealer coated the can with? I had to get back inside, so I took a brick from my neighbor's garden and chucked it through my bedroom window.

Just then, some cops were going by. They jumped out of their car and tackled me, thinking I was some kind of drunk thief. The pigs cuffed me and tried to drag me to their car. I spat in one of their faces and kicked him in the shins. The other one grabbed me, but I kicked him in the balls. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out of the cuffs in time to escape.

Anyway, my probation officer will be here soon, so I can't answer anymore of your stupid questions. The moral is, though, that beer will just make you more pissed off.

- Peeves