Writing isn't very hard. Anybody can do it. So you'd better figure out how to write reasonably well if you're going to send me a question.

Otherwise your letter risks ending up in yet another installment of the Dullard's Guide, where I won't just call you a retard -- I'll make fun of your stupid ass.

Then I'll kick you in the face.

If you want advice, ask me. But learn to write before asking, unless you like having your goddamn fingers smashed in a car door.

Now on to the dumb questions you idiots sent me:

Hi, Peeves.

I just wanted to email you, because you are so funny.
I also belueve I could have a good conversation with you.

Prove me right?

Ash.

Ash --

I "belueve" you may be wrong. Also, I "belueve" I would have a difficult time stopping myself from throwing you out the window of a bus. Get lost.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Why is there air from whence do you get your refrences..its a timeless classic.

-- Jenna

P.S. why are you full of so much hott air?

Jenna --

I don't know much about crack, but I do know this: crack is wack. Lay off the drugs, freak.

-- Peeves

Hey peeves there is sit on da Internet that makes women look like dumass what should tell them ????????????

-- Hi Hi

Huh? --

What do you plan on doing about this? Going up to every female you encounter and saying "Hi there is sit on da Internet that makes women look dum."

Is that your plan? Because I've got news for you: you are INSANE. Stop harassing people. Nobody wants to have to talk to you, you're SICK.

I'm calling an institution right this very moment. We're going to get you locked away for a very long time.

- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Hey i was woundering if you new any good ways to masterbait, i figured you would know!

-- Andrew

Andrew --

You know what feuls rilly good? A coffee grinderer. You wud think the metal blaydes wud hurt, but they feul grate. Or try a lawn mower and u will thank me very mulch!

-- Peeves

Need advice? Ask Peeves.