Want to get laid? Well then turn off your Disney fairy tale romance movies and get with the goddamn program, dimwit.

There's no such thing as "happily ever after." If you can't even figure out how to get a sexual partner, then how the hell do you expect to have any kind of functional relationship? Idiot.

Dear Peeves,

How would I go about getting "some"? I'm having no luck at all. Do women really feel that bad about their body?

-- P.D.

P.D. --

The problem isn't that women feel bad about their bodies; it's that women feel bad when they see YOUR body.

If you're like most guys, P.D. -- and I strongly suspect you are -- you're ugly as hell and too wimpy to be a real man when you're around women.

Quit whining about how much you suck and go smother yourself with a pillow. Nobody wants to hear from you.

-- Peeves

Need advice? Peeves is here for you! Click here to Ask Peeves.

Yo Peeves,

I need advice. I have a friend that I stay with at school. She's a girl. A beautiful one too. We have been friends for about 3 years and I was hoping for advise on how would I know if she is feeling differently about me.

I hope she likes me! Hoooooooooooot!

Thnx!

-- M

M --

"Yo" dumbass,

You want to date a girl you've been friends with -- for THREE YEARS?

Somehow your relationship ignorance sounds more pathetic than charming. You're probably the kind of horny loser who never gets any, but you're too much of a dullard to figure out why.

So get lost. And give yourself a good pummeling.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Im having trouble theres this one boi who really likes me and wants to go out with me even worse he wants to live with me when i grow up.... he doesnt know what he wants were only 14 and this is our first yr in high school i really hate this stress cus im certainly not inlove ive only known him since july 10th of this year

what do i say to him so i dont hurt him?

-- trouble with love

Trouble --

What do you mean "he doesnt know what he wants"? What kind of idiot are you?

Look, he knows exactly what he wants -- you.

The real problem here is you're not interested, but you're too wimpy to turn him down to his face. Loser.

Either speak your mind to his face or shut the hell up about it.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

My boyfriend is "pussy whipped" as you would say.

But I swear I haven't tried to make him my bitch or anything. But he does everything I say.

How do I make him start acting like a man again?

-- J.C.

J.C. --

If your boyfriend is acting like your pussy-whipped bitch, here's what you do.

1. Wait for him to start behaving like your little subservient slave boy.

2. Make fun of him. In your taunts, make liberal use of the phrase "little bitch."
3. Repeat #2 until he cries.
4. Punch him in the face.

Keep doing this until he remembers that he's a man and should act like one. Show no mercy.

-- Peeves

Don't be a wuss -- Ask Peeves when you need my advice.

See also: Peeves on relationship issues
How do I ask her to marry me?
Relationships that suck.
Damn wussy girls
How to make a girl like you