You want to lose weight? Shed some pounds? Then stop eating so much, fatass.

Don't make the mistake one reader did in today's Ask Peeves and bother me about it. It's your problem that you're a fat ugly fuck, not mine.

Do you need advice? Click here to Ask Peeves.

Dear Peeves,

i really liked your review of the movie devils advocate.

when will u do another movie review?

-- jim

Jim --

I just did one you idiot. I reviewed another crap film called A Scanner Darkly.

It's not my fault you didn't read it. What do you want me to do, break off one of your fingers every time I review a goddamn movie? Dullard.

-- Peeves

dear peeves,

i am a fat lard. how do i lose weight? how do i make money to get boobjob?

-- fat lard

Fat Lard --

Maybe you're too stupid for self-improvement. Did you ever consider that, fatso?

I'm not your fucking gym teacher, and I'm sure as hell not going to tell you all the obvious crap we all know about how to get a job.

Go do some jumping jacks until the floor breaks and you get splinters wedged into your fat ass.

-- Peeves

Peeves,

How can I get my mom to shut up singing songs from church? They're so irritating! It's bad enough that I have to hear them once, but then she sings them after church until Tuesday (sometimes longer,) and it pisses me off!

If I tell her to stop she won't listen, so don't give me any of that crap like "have you ever tried ASKING her to stop?" Because I have.

-- Emily

Emily --

Why don't you leave the house? Get a life, loser. It's your own damn fault that you have to stay at home all day since you have no friends.

Or if you're too dumb to get a life, maybe you can burn down the goddamn church instead. You'd be helping a lot of other losers that way.

-- Peeves

Dear Mr. Peeves,

I wish to complain about your most recent column, "The cure for 'penis poo' disease." In the aforementioned discourse, you advised a young man named Mr. Beaconsfield to feed a dog his penis excrement.

You then proceeded to advise him to consume the dog's bowel-movements.

Not only is this practice inhumane, it is downright irresponsible and potentially deadly. Please find it in your heart to refrain from such dangerous advice in the future.

Sincerely,

-- Dr. Tony, M.D.

Tony --

Wait a minute... did someone ask for your advice? I don't think so.

So shut the fuck up Tony. Go stab yourself with a goddamn scalpel.

-- Peeves

See also: Recent Ask Peeves
The cure for "penis poo" disease.
The REAL reason Harry Potter fans should shut the hell up
I slept with my sister's boyfriend
Those whiny little Harry Potter fans
How do I get laid?

When you need advice, Ask Peeves.