Are you the type who makes incredibly stupid mistakes and then spends months -- or even years -- regretting them?

Well guess what? There's a simple solution you're too stupid to figure out: simply don't make those mistakes in the first place. Problem solved, jerkass.

sup man,
this girl keeps on flirting with me and passing me notes in school. What shuold i do?

-- JT

JT --

If you can't figure this out on your own, do yourself a favor -- leave this website and go look at some porn. You're a lost cause.

-- Peeves

Need advice? Peeves is here for you! Click here to Ask Peeves.

Dear Peeves,

My sister had a party last night, and her boyfriend got drunk and started hiting on me and i went along with it .. then next thing i knew we were waking up in my sisters bed together and she caught us.

now shes dumped her boyfriend. he was her 1st and they were going out for 1 yr and 7 months and now shes not talking to me and she wont even look at me i feel like a whore!!!!!

Luv,

-- Jenn

Jenn --

You are a whore. And if I were your sister, I wouldn't talk to you either.

I hope she throws you out of a moving car into a piranha-infested lake. You whore.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

how does it feel to get laid

-- TJ

TJ --

Why do you care? You'll never know.

Loser.

-- Peeves

Peeves,

I was gettin it on wth my girlfriend. and she said that we should try something new. Me being a guy, i thought 'Fuck yeah, we're gunna do it in the shower' But unfortunitly i was wrong. She pulled down my trousers and said " Aww Bless ", then she got a dildo from under her bed and shoved it up my arse. But the thing is, i actually liked it. What should i do?

-- Raymond

Raymond --

Look, I sure as hell didn't want to know what kind of sick shit turns you on. And I'm sure others feel the same way -- the less you tell us, the better. The best possible thing you can do is shut up.

Unfortunately it's too late for that.

Fortunately, it's NOT too late for you to be gagged and locked inside a closet in an abandoned house. I'm looking forward to this.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

It hurts when I have sex. Help?

-- Sandy

Sandy --

What the hell do you think I am, a goddamn doctor? Get out of my face. I have nothing to say to a dullard like you.

-- Peeves

Don't be a wuss -- Ask Peeves when you need advice.

See also: Peeves on relationship issues
How do I get laid?
How do I ask her to marry me?
Relationships that suck.
Damn wussy girls