Today I'm answering your questions about your stupid love problems for V-day. I'm sure none of you idiots will follow my advice on your stupid relationship troubles, but you can't say I didn't try, dumbass.

Got a question? Put down your beer and ask me.

Dear Peeves,

There's this kid in my 7th hour class and I like him and I dont know if he likes me back. How do I get him to like me?

--7th Grader

7th Grader --

It doesn't work that way idiot. How would you like it if someone "got you" to like THEM? You can't just go around hypnotizing and brainwashing people into doing what you want, you sick freak.

Quit wasting my time with this and drink a milkshake flavored with bleach. You'd be doing everyone a huge favor.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I need your advice. I love my boyfriend very much and do everything for him. He's got severe type 1 diabetes so I try to be there for him. He never takes me out or says thank you. Never goes up and over for me. He tells me he loves me but I think I'm being used. He never pays me back for things I get for him. He's lazy and smokes too much... I think I need to move on but am scared to leave him. What should I do?

-- Rose (Loves her loser boyfriend)

Rose --

What the hell is wrong with you girls who stay in these horrible relationships? This kind of crap must be what you want or you'd find something better.

When you break up with this jackass, I'm sure there's plenty of other diseased jerks out there for you to date.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I'm 12 years old and I NEED to know how to get a girl to like me. This is a serious question. I need to know specifically how to get hot blonds to like me. PLEASE HELP.

-- Nolan

Nolan --

Yeah, there's nothing girls like more than needy losers. The problem isn't with this girl, the problem is that you suck. Of course she doesn't want you, can you blame her?

Go swim in a polluted lake until your skin rots off you stupid kid.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

Hi Peeves my name is Jordan.

I want to kill myself because the girl I like is driving me crazy. I'm confused because she says she likes me but wants to find out who she is before getting into a relationship. I want to die because I'm so emotional and don't want to be.

-- Jordan

Jordan --

Her mistake is being polite. What she means is "fuck off, stupid."

And what the hell are you doing asking her if she likes you? What THE HELL is your damn problem?

You're a big baby and a bratty whiner. Grow the hell up.

--Peeves

Hey Peeves.

Seeing as I have taken the time to write this carefully thought out question, will you actually reply (that wasn't the question).

Anyway, I fancy a guy who is leaving in a few months and I have never spoken to him before, yet we are sometimes in close proximity. But as he is leaving I know I won't get with him so what can I do to take my mind off the situation?

-- Nimue

Nimue --

Look, that's really damn creepy. Do you like the thought that some random stranger could have all kinds of weird thoughts about you?

What's with you freakish stalkers today? You people make me sick.

--Peeves

Dear Peeves,

I need some advice reeeeeal bad! Ok, I am using a friend's e-mail because I feel so embarassed for what I did. Ok, I go to this college and am in a Western Civ. class. Well anyways, I am in this study group with about 5 or 6 people and we always meet before tests at someone's house, from the group that is.

This girl in the group is reeeeally hot I mean a hottie, and we all met at her house. Durring the middle of the session I had to use the bathroom so she told me where it was. As I was going down the hall I passed the laundry room where her clothes were and stole some of her panties. They smell just like her.

Then in the bathroom I licked the bathtub where she lay her naked body and kissed the toilet seat where she lay her naked bottom. Than in her room I took some more mementos like a pair of her socks and a bra, as well as some pictures of her that I enlarged as posters. When I got home I took all the souvineers from her house and made a lifesize statue of her complete with panties, bra, and
everything. It even has a picture of her face on there.

My question is am I a stalker? Will she be turned on by my obsession with her?

Sincerely,
-- Ricard

Richard --

Yes you are a stalker. And if that turns her on, you'd better stay away from that psycho.

Have fun learning about restraining orders, you dullard!

--Peeves

See also: Peeves on relationship issues

How to make a girl like you
Nobody cares about your stupid "relationship"
Getting a girl to like you
Girls hate liars

You idiots make me want to puke. Ask me questions that aren't completely stupid this time, got that?