Okay you sick freaks, I'm taking it up a notch by answering one of the most disgusting questions -- ever -- with quality medical advice.

So don't say I never did anything for you damn dullards.

Good evening Peeves,

I'm sure you can enlighten me with an issue I have when I masturbate. When doing so, there is always some shit mixed with the goo coming out. I can say so because it smells exactly like my dog's ass and the color is typically the one of a O'Henry chocolate bar.

What do you think it is? Could it be hereditary? Because my father has the same problem, so could it be transferred from father to son?

Or is it just my diet/food habits that create the problem?

Have you ever heard of such problem.

Thanks for your excellent cooperation that will for sure be well appreciated.

-- Steve Beaconsfield

Steve B. --

Yes I have heard of this problem. It comes from eating other people's shit, you sick freak.

Fortunately there's a cure, and since I'm feeling especially nice today I'm going to tell you how to cure it.

This is the cure for your disease:

1. Have a dog eat nothing but your "penis poo" for an entire week.

2. When the dog shits, scrape it's shit into a bag and microwave it on high for 60 seconds.
3. Eat the microwaved dog shit.
4. Repeat until the problem goes away.

There, are you happy now? I've just shared with you the secret of curing your shit piss.

Go and celebrate. And try not to eat anyone else's dung, you goddamn dullard.

-- Peeves

Do you need advice? Click here to Ask Peeves.

Dear Peeves

One time, I like picked a flower for my brother, and then he like threw a rock at my head, and then I like had to go to the hospital, and I was like, what? It was supposed to be a.....gift.

-- Johanna

Johanna --

Either you're a liar or your brother sucks. And either way it's not my problem -- especially because you didn't ask me for any advice on the matter.

So get lost, cretin.

-- Peeves

Hey Peeves.

I would like to know how exactly does one become an advice columnist? I am very interested in becoming one, although I will never match up to your ability to answer questions.

-- AJ

AJ --

How does one become an advice columnist? If you have to ask, you are immediately disqualified from giving advice.

Stay home, shut up and don't ask me any more stupid questions. Otherwise I may have to crack your rib cage with my baseball bat.

-- Peeves

Dear Peeves,

what happens when i stick a ball up a golden retrivers ass will they shit it out or will they save up shit and explode

-- retriver questioner

retriver --

I'm not going to do it for you. If you really want to know, try it yourself.

You're one hell of a psychopath. Don't let me catch you anywhere near my fucking house.

-- Peeves

Ask Peeves your own question.

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