Now I wouldn't need ANY catching up in the stud department, no way. I'm THE stud!

After work I considered my next action as I made a pit stop at the drive thru burrito place to refuel myself. With napkins wrapped around my steering wheel and diet cola in my cup holder, I headed for the first bar I could think of: Irene's.

Irene's has a laid-back vibe. Or it used to. Now it's not "laid back," but more like "totally nonactionable." Only two guys were there, and I'm not 100% sure but I think one or both of them were gay. The rest of the city wasn't much better. The whole place was as dry as my soon-to-be-ex wife Marlene.

My friend Jacob called and said he'd meet me at the bar we used to hang out at together in Durham. I hit the highway, and when I got there he had a table with the only hot girls in the place. At first I thought I'd be getting super lucky thanks to Jacob, and usually this guy's a total prick. I started to approach him but he shot me the eye. I backed off to give him a moment.

So I went over to the bar and ordered a drink. This cute girl sitting in the corner looked lonely, I ordered one for her too.

"I'm allergic to beer, it'd kill me," she said, looking bored.

"How do you know I'm not a secret agent on a mission to kill you?" I asked, super suave-like.

"If you were trying to kill me, you failed." Shot down. Ouch. This girl -- Alice was her name -- she had me pinned down no matter what I said. She was good. But I totally scored her digits. Oh yeah.

I look forward to closing the loop with Alice. Even though she's a bitch I think this could work, there's something I like about her. Tomorrow I'll give her a ring.

And let's face it, Neil needs a lady to make his three wonderful sons proud of their old man. No father of theirs stays celibate for this long!

That's a lesson I've taught all three of their mothers.