I'm mad as hell about Canada and I don't have to take it. Guess who liked Canada: Hitler. And I may not have any evidence to back this up, but trust me. It's true.

Canadaian flag

Why do I hate Canada so much? I'll tell you. I have seven reasons that will make whiny liberals quiver in their faux-fur lined boots.

1. Canada is cold.

   Real cold. Too cold for anyone sensible.

   But Canadians should prepare for warmer temperatures, since those Godless socialist pinko cowards will suffer an eternity in Hell.

2. The metric system.

   Those Canadians practically invented this "metric" system bullshit. Somehow it's like inches and feet, only it doesn't make any damn sense. And kilometers? Don't even get me started on those.

   Next thing you know they'll have metric months, metric dollar bills, and women will have metric breasts. Where will the madness end?

3. Canada gained independence from England in 1982.

   1982! Can you believe that? Practically yesterday. We told those British popinjays to take a hike over 200 years before those lazy Canucks got around to it.

   And guess who still has the queen on their currency? I'll give you a hint: Canada.

4. Rich people must pay for health care for lazy bums.

   Imagine being coerced into paying for health care for undserving lazy scaramouches who sit on the street corner day after day, chugging down a 40oz Mickeys before noon.

   Those cretins don't deserve a nickel, let alone expensive medical treatment paid for by wealthy, upstanding members of society.

   Fact: If you're poor, it's entirely your damn fault -- and you deserve a short miserable life of pain and suffering.

5. They have oil.

   Come on, Canada. Give us your damn oil. Who do you think makes your cars, anyway? Manitoba isn't exactly Detroit, if you know what I mean.

   Don't make us go Iraq on your ass. We'll do it.

   I'm serious.

6. They speak French.

   Okay, I know what you're going to say. "But O Wrinkly, only Canadians in Quebec speak French!"

   Well be that as it may, Canadians still write in French all over the damn place. Street signs, documents, businesses...

   If I ever saw a coffee shop with a sign that said "ferme" in the window instead of "closed," I'd blow that place up before those Satan-worshiping French terrorists spread their hate any further.

7. Draft dodgers.

   And this is the big one. Where do you think those America-hating draft dodgers run off to when the going gets tough?

   You're damn right they go to that God-forsaken hellhole known as Canada. Look, we're making the world safe for you hippie clinchpoops, so show some damn respect.

There you have it folks -- seven indesputible reasons Canada sucks. Of course, everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion. But if it's different than mine, it's wrong.

Because I said so.