I answered these questions during October of 2001.

If you want to e-mail me go here.

October 18, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I love you. Will you marry me? Oh, and I'm pregnant with your child.

- Willow

Willow --

Why the hell do I put up with this crap? Look, shut up and get the hell out of my face or I'll clamp your nipples in a waffle iron. Got it?

- Peeves

October 19, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I have a problem....there's this guy at school and he's really nice and all but he always hangs around me and my friends....the problem with this is that all my friends are girls and hes a guy....he even acts like a girl and talks like one.....he needs to hang out with guys at our school and I wanna tell him without sounding rude or mean cause hes really nice but he just should hang out with boys not girls....how should I tell him?....please answer my ques. without U being TOO rude!!!!! TY!!!

- Hawaiian Princess

Hawaiian Princess --

Let me guess -- you're in junior high, right? By this point in your life, you have undoubtedly heard of something called "grammar" and I recommend you use it.

I think there are some possibilities as to why he hangs out around you.

1: He is gay, and likes the company of girls.

2: "He" is actually a very ugly girl. Uglier than you, even.

3: You and your friends are the most interesting, intelligent people at your school. This is very, very sad, because I can't possibly imagine a girl who calls herself Hawaiian Princess being even remotely interesting.

- Peeves

October 19, 2001
Dear Peeves,

My name is Frank. I like cheese. I also like to go to the bathroom. How about you? My friend recently asked you about my chunk problem. I would like an answer. No girls like me because I chunk all over them. Whooo-hooo. I'm dancing like a monkey. Jo likes to pick his nose Chris is the cool one, all the girls like him. Kevin is a rabid chicken. Daulton likes to collect gum. And I'm dancing like a monkey. So please help me. Whooo-hooo. Go bye bye.

- Frank

Frank --

I think it's time that you and your generically crazy friends went and did something generically dangerous, like jumping off a bridge or testing used hypodermic needles by inserting them into your chests. Stop bugging me, or I'll help you with the aforementioned activities.

- Peeves

October 19, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I have been having problems with my marriage only when he drinks too much.

We have been to AA but I don't think he was ready. I asked him to go and yes, it made me feel good, but that was not the answer. He is a good person, he pays the bills and everything and I do love him but when he drinks it just irritates me so much because I don't drink.

When we got married I was drinking real good. Now I am trying to live a Christian life and trying to get him to go to church sometimes at least. I am not perfect but I do think a married couple should have something in common besides partying all the time. Tell me Peeves what avenue should I take.

- Kimberly

Kimberly --

Let me see. You're married to a man who is an alcoholic. Is that trouble I smell, or just booze? This guy sounds like a jerk, and you appear to be brain-dead for staying with him. Then there's the fact that you have nothing in common. Maybe if I kick both your asses, you'll have something in common.

- Peeves

October 20, 2001
Dear Peeves,

Please don't take this question as a joke. What is the importance of finding the density of an object? Why is density significant? I would appreciate it if you would answer my question seriously.

- Sam

Sam --

You sound pretty damn dense to me. This is significant because you're asking an advice columnist about finding density. Do you really think I care? You need to wake the hell up and start thinking. Maybe a slap in the face with a hydraulic battering ram would help.

- Peeves

October 20, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I'm sorry about my last message. Anyway, I have this problem, I have this really gorgeous friend. She's really friendly and cool but the only problem is she's a man grabber. She's like flirting with all my crushes, I've been hurt to much. What should I do?

- Sam "Teenage Dirtbag"

Sam --

Wimp. Maybe it's time to take that into your own hands. Hell, I don't let people take crap from me. If I had a no-good friend like that I'd smack her and tell her to get lost. If I could, I'd smack you. Either way, get lost.

- Peeves

October 21, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I need to find information about history for my school reports and I was wondering where I could find them. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

- Belle

Belle --

How the hell could you possibly be so downright stupid to not know where to find information about history? Are you one of those brain-dead MTV kids? Get a grip on the real world before I get a grip on your hair and pull it out.

- Peeves

October 22, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I have this little love problem. I have this friend who I'm starting to fall in love with. Most of my friends have made speculations about me being interested with him. Should I tell my friends, or rather should i tell him? I've had lots of heartaches before and I hope I won't have one again.

- Sam "Confused"

Willow --

What could you possibly be confused about? Have you watched to many soaps? There's nothing remotely complicated about this situation and if you can't figure out what to do, you need serious help. How about I help by punching you in the stomach? If you keep bothering me with this moronic drivel, I'll fax copies of this crap to all your crushes. Stop wasting my time.

- Peeves

October 22, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I have a very wonderful and inquisitive son who asks many, many questions. I
would like to answer some of his questions. Today's question is "Which military service or services flies the Chinook helicopter?" I would appreciate the help. Thanks.

- Rachael

Rachael --

It sounds as though your son has a G. I. Joe complex. Maybe you can show him just how fun war is by pounding a round in his chest with an M-16, blowing his head to bits with a sniper rifle, and then nuking his corpse with an atomic bomb. I'm sure it will be an educational experience he won't soon forget.

- Peeves

October 24, 2001
Dear Peeves,

I need advice on how to destroy annoying advice columnists. Any ideas?

- K.o.R.

K.o.R. --

I've got some advice for you -- never write to me again. Instead, please tie lead weights to your body and jump in a lake.

- Peeves