Heard a good quote? Post it. This one is from Jerry Seinfeld:

Quote:

I think that's what smoking is really all about. That's the power of smoking. It's just this thing, "I got fire right here in my hand... smoke and fire is literally coming right out of my mouth."

And it's very intimidating to the non-smoker 'cause it's like talking to someone, "My head could open up, lava could explode out, poor right down my face, doesn't bother me a bit."

And a cigar is even worse. A cigar is like, "You think this end is bad? Look at this disgusting chewed up nub. How scary is that?"

this is the thread i've been waiting for!

phillip pullman wrote:

i thought physics could be done to the glory of god, till i saw there wasn't any god at all and that physics was more interesting anyway. the christian religion is a very powerful and convincing mistake, that's all.

it's from his book, the amber spyglass.

That's a good one. Here's another Seinfeld... this time it's about something healthy.

Quote:

What is with the high level of security at health clubs, you know what I mean? The picture ID, the security guards, people signing in and out... what is this, the Kremlin?

I mean the people who have a membership go twice a year. Who's breaking in? Is this a big problem, people stealing exercise? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. It's aerobic. Makes it even worse.

douglas adams said:

Quote:

the fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.

Unfortunately I've never read any books or heard anyone speak anything in my life, so I have little inspirational material to regurgitate. :(

^ i'm amazed at your grasp on the english language, having never heard it spoken before. 

Thank you, deardeadly. I like imagining how it might sound. My guess is somewhere between the sound of a pig eating and a sponge being wrung out. But that's just the consonants, I'm not sure about the vowels yet.

Diptera wrote:

Thank you, deardeadly. I like imagining how it might sound. My guess is somewhere between the sound of a pig eating and a sponge being wrung out. But that's just the consonants, I'm not sure about the vowels yet.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Str%C4%8D_prst_skrz_krk 

MrEricSir wrote:

Quote:

And you can quote me on that.

http://www.demonlime.com/forums/demon_lime/this_site/software_update

Some of these quotes are too offensive for the internet.

Is the internet offended?

ahem. this one's from monty python:

Quote:

we would like to apologize for the way in which politicians are represented in this program. it was never our intention to imply that politicians are weak-kneed, political time-servers who are more concerned with their personal vendettas and private power struggles than the problems of government, nor to suggest at any point that they sacrifice their credibility by denying free debate on vital matters in the mistaken impression that party unity comes before the well-being of the people they supposedly represent, nor to imply at any stage that they are squabbling little toadies without an ounce of concern for the vital social problems of today. nor indeed do we intend that viewers should consider them as crabby ulcerous little self-seeking vermin with furry legs and an excessive addiction to alcohol and certain explicit sexual practices which some people might find offensive. we are sorry if this impression has come across.

Quote:

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Monty Python's Flying Circus wrote:

Minister of Silly Walks: [to his receptionist] Mrs. Two-Lumps, would you please bring us in two coffees.
Receptionist: Yes, Mr. Teabag.

richard feynman wrote:

science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it.

The novel "Survivor" by Chuck Palahniuk wrote:

"The big question people ask isn't 'What's the nature of existence?' the mouth says. "The big question people ask is "What's that from?"

It's about how we're all raised in the same pop culture.

It's Easy Mmmkay from the South Park movie wrote:

You dont have to spend your life addicted to smack
Homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack
Follow my plan and very soon you will see-eeyy, its easy mmkay

from mr. show, "the joke: the musical"

Quote:

i'm the hated milk machine
everybody hates me, now.
for doing what i'm told
he was trying to be bold
why can't people keep their
willies out of holes?

franz kafka wrote:

i am nothing but a mass of spikes going through me.

Seinfeld wrote:

Kramer: You'll be the world's first pirate!
Jerry: But I don't wanna be a pirate!

Northern Exposure wrote:

Pregnant woman: (ready to give birth) It's time!
Dr. Joel Fleischman: (reading magazine) No, it's Newsweek.

Taken from the Wikipedia entry about Mike Patton:

In 2002, this time fronting Tomahawk at the London Astoria, he again exposed himself and urinated on a group of photographers. Officials at the venue were horrified, but Patton claimed after the show that it was merely a squirting dildo he'd shoved in his pants before going on-stage. The admission seemed to satisfy the press. However, in a recent interview, Patton was asked if it was real or not and was quoted as saying, "There's a dick. There's piss. You do the math."

From Storytelling:

Quote:

Mikey (young boy): Consuelo, what is rape exactly?

Consuelo (housekeeper): It is when you love someone, and they don't love you. And then you do something about it.

Mikey: Sometimes I feel like my parents don't love me.

Consuelo: Well then, when you get older you can do something about it.

You mean I'm not the only one who liked Storytelling?

With nice little scenes like that one, what's not to like?

Did you like Happiness, too?

Of course! Have you seen Palindromes?

I haven't. Is it similar?

Palindromes is a pseudo-sequel to Welcome to the Dollhouse.

All his films share some central themes, but I think that one is the least accesible.

I think I actually have seen Palindromes. I was really tired, and slept through most of it, though. I'll have to give it another shot sometime.

This is after Ed discovers the girl he's just lost his virginity to has left him.

Northern Exposure wrote:

Ed
You know, I always thought about what it would be like. But it was much different. Much, much different.

Chris
What, what was different?

Ed
Sex. It's like that movie Alien. Everybody told me how good it was.

And then I saw it. And it was much better than anything I'd ever thought it would be.

And I watched that movie four times. And each time you get something different from it. You see something you didn't notice before.

I used to like movies. But now everything's just mud.

My mom saw George Carlin at the Mountain Winery last week and shared a couple of gems with me:

Quote:

#1
(Little girl walks in on her naked father in the bathroom)
Girl: Daddy, what's that?
Dad: That's my penis.
Girl: When will I get a penis?
Dad: As soon as your mom leaves for work.

#2
Boy: Daddy, what's that hairy patch below Mommy's waist?
Dad: That's called a vulva.
Boy: Oh. Well, what's a cunt?
Dad: That's the rest of Mommy.